Playground Gangs

5 elementary schools gangs all parents need to know about 

Most parents have heard of high-profile schoolyard crews like the Shady Grove Gossip Queens and the Kickball Titans. But there are a number of lesser-known gangs that also threaten to turn any school yard into a killing zone. Yet more reasons to never let our kids out of our sight — like we ever would.

amish children

Olde School Posse

The OSP are straight-edge street warriors. These bad boys are not interested in typical gang activities like dealing Pokemon cars and jackin' high-end trikes. Their sole mission is to bring down the calloused fist of holy vengeance on anyone foolish enough to mock their idiosyncratic clothing and pacifist ways. And yes, they really do walk 2 miles to school each day, rain or shine. Brother, cannot thou sayeth hardcore?

baby-flash-games-4Cherry Hill Readers

These are some bad dudes. Often overlooked because of their good grades and bookish ways, these encyclopedic homeboys represent an insidious threat to school discipline. They don't care whose turn it is to talk, CHR never miss an opportunity to represent with their  brainy bling. Bet you won't forget again that 1066 is not just the answer to problem #2, but also the year of the Battle of Hastings. Whatever you do, never diss Percy Jackson in their presence. They'll pop a cap quicker'n you can say "Hermione." They are easily identifiable through their ISBN barcode tattoos.  



Hopped up on beta-carotene, Veganimal foot soldiers roam school cafeterias, grinding their  meat-is-murder ideology into innocent baloney-eating bystanders. For the past 6 months, these rough-ians have been locked in a bloody turf war with their rivals, the White Bread Nation and Ovo-lacto Vegetariaks. On a more optimistic note, gang violence task forces have been able to capture a number of high-ranking Veganimal lieutenants by enticing them with the yummy smell of fried bacon. Veganimals are often spotted wearing homespun hemp tunics and sneakers made from recycled pencil erasers. 


Sandbox Junkies 

More a loose association of like-minded miscreants than a gang proper, the Sandbox Junkies are no less a playground blight. For these kids, it's not a party until someone gets sand in his underwear. Ever on the prowl for more stimulating toys, they're often caught stealing buckets, spoons and even toy boats from the water-play table. They become so obsessed with digging the biggest, deepest pit ever, that they can't tell sand from topsoil. In an effort to keep kids trapped in the 'box lifestyle safe, youth groups give away tons of clean, cat-track free sand a year. 


Pillsbury Gemz 

On their own, these little gals don't pose much of a threat — just don't mess with their moms. Once mommy gives the marching order, the Gemz will wild you like a pack of sassy, eye-shadowed hyenas. Boom-boom, lights out sucka!

Copyright 2013 Paul J. Rasmussen