Lantry Country Day Auction 2013

Highlights from last Friday's wicked-awesome school fundraiser 

Fur Coat and Leather Sectional Package — $8000

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Look what fell off the back of the truck this year! Lantry dad and discount merchandise acquisition consultant Paul "Pauly T" Testaforte has put together yet another fabulous luxury goods package. Top bidders Wanye and Kiki Sherman can wrap themselves in mammalian luxury while lounging on this fabulous shiny blue leather sectional. We can only imagine what rollicking good times they have planned!

Schedule II Vertical Tasting with Dr. Kelly — $12,000


John and Kathy Villa and 6 of their friends will join Dr. Kelly for a vertical tasting tour of her personal Schedule II narcotics cabinet. Trust the ever-discrete Dr. Kelly to set you up right with a little "sumpin-sumpin." She'll top off the evening with a visit to the animal research lab for a little flying-high fun with the hospital's new laser cauterizer. Thanks Dr. Kelly! How would we ever get by without you? 

Leavenworth Getaway — $3500


Lucky couple Joe and Dinah House will enjoy three nights in Leavenworth's classiest hotel, Der Kumfort Inn, owned by Lantry alums Helmut and Inge Lekker. Helmut and Inge have generously included a fistful of zwei-für-eins buffet coupons to use in any one of the area's fabulous German-American restraunterias. Mmmmmmmm, schnitzel that smells like old people. Included is a $75 gift certificate to everybody's favorite Bavarian gift shop, Das Krap. 

The Popper's Credit Card — $750o


A perennial favorite! Every year, auction superstars Merle and Dorris Popper get so bent they forget to pick up their credit card from the check-out counter. It usually takes them about five days to realize it's missing, and when they do, you know they don't worry about checking the balance. Get the idea? This year's winner Missy Wallis is planning a girls night out to shop the light fantastic at the Kohl's near the 522 overpass.  

Little Petey Collins — $17,500


Everybody thinks the Collins' newest product is just as cute as a button. At pick up, moms line up to hold him and squeeze his fat wittle cheeckers. Well, this year Barb and Victor graciously put the little tyke up for auction. It's win-win-win. Willa and Tim "narrow urethra" Bing get a beautiful new baby, the Collins family doesn't have to shell out any more tuition, and little Petey is too young to remember any of it!

Big Ol' Fatty Spliff — $1400


Just after "raise-the-paddle," event promoter Tommy Marin saw the time was right to bust out this party favor to keep the good times rollin'. Man, you should have seen some of the junk table 14 bid on after they sparked this puppy up! Good call Tommy.

Surprise Package — $2300

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Speaking of table 14, congratulations to this year's "surprise box" winners Jason and Jennifer Jones. Last year it was a week's supply of day-old bread from the bakery outlet. This year it was…a sampler of ointments, lubricants and preservatives from  Old Man McClarty's medicine chest! It's a dermatological dream come true. If it's wet, Jason and Jennifer can make it dry; if it's dry, they can make it wet. Special thanks to Missy Fontane (Old Man McClarty's home aide) for putting together this awesome package. 

Cab Home — $300

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Technically, this wasn't an official auction item, but you can't blame the local cabbies from getting in on the action! 

Thanks to the entire Lantry community for such a successful evening!

Copyright 2013 Paul J. Rasmussen