Art Auction Fundraiser


In vino caritas est.


Dear Lantry Country Day Parents,

It's that time of year again--that 's right, The Winter Art Auction Fundraiser! There are still a few volunteer spots that need to be filled. Look for signup sheets in your child's homeroom. 

We talk a lot about tradition here at Lantry and how important it is to preserve the rules and institutions that make this such a fine and ridiculously expensive school. With this in mind, I thought I'd review some of the guidelines for the WAAF. 

As you know, I'm a stickler for authenticity, so I spent my weekend in the Keller Rare Books Wing of Lantry's new library thumbing through those 0ld Lantry Handbook manuscripts recently discovered under the floor in the teacher's lounge. I pulled out a few passages from the original WAAF that might be worth reading. (But boy are they long-winded!)

I'm looking forward to seeing you all on Friday. And don't forget what Oscar Wilde said: "Moderation is fine at breakfast, but it never raised enough money for new windows on the third floor!" 

-Paul Rasmussen (room parent, Ms. M's third grade)


On Setup and Cleanup:

Setup shall precede Cleanup. Cleanup shall follow Setup. 

For thus it is written in the Book of Hand of the Association of Parents of Children Who Attendeth the School of Lantry, which is also called the Handbook of the Lantry Parents Association.

Numbers: 

From thy numbers shalt thou bring forth no less than fourteen people, fourteen being the number of classrooms. Thou may choose more than fourteen. Thou may not choose less than fourteen. Those chosen fourteen shall be held responsible for the set up for the Celebration of the Winter Art Auction Fundraiser, the conduct of the Celebration of the Winter Art Auction Fundraiser, and the cleanup of the Celebration of the Winter Art Auction Fundraiser. Those chosen shall bear the name of Members of the Committee of Setup and Cleanup. 

For it is thus written in the Book of Hand of the Association of Parents of Children Who Attendeth the School of Lantry, which is also called The Handbook of the Lantry Parents Association.

Conveyance:

Upon the day chosen for the Celebration shall the Members of the Committee of Setup and Cleanup travel to the Place of Celebration chosen by the Committee of Choosing Places for Celebration. 

Two shall come by Volvo. Two shall come by BMW. Two shall come by Land Rover. Two shall come by Mercedes. Two shall comeby Audi. Of the cars remaining, it is permitted that they be of common make, for Lo! the Committee of Setup and Cleanup is a loving and generous committee. 

But yetteth the Committee of Setup and Cleanup shall permit travel by Honda or by Toyota or by Subaru, the Committee of Setup and Cleanup shall, as would a good shepherd toward wayward sheep, bear responsibility for taking aside those who travel by car of common make and, speaking unto them with love and compassion, saying: “next year thou shalt trade in thy car of common make, whether it be Honda or Toyota or Subaru, and buy one that is more pleasing in the eyes of the Committee of Setup and Cleanup.” And if thy neighbor asks “May I buy one coming off of lease?” thou shalt reply, “Verily, thou mayest buy one off of lease, but it must be of a color that is not garish and will not bring shame to thy Brothers and Sisters on the Committee of Setup and Cleanup.” 

Thou shalt not arrive by Ford, Ford being distasteful in the eyes of the Committee. Thou shalt not arrive by Chevrolet, Chevrolet being distasteful in the eyes of Committee. Howeverthusso, thou mayest indeed come by Ford or by Chevrolet, provided the drivetrain of the Ford or Chevrolet thou driveth connecteth to all four wheels and beareth the Sure Mark of a Ski Family, that mark being a coffin-shaped container made of fiberglass for the carrying of skis upon the rack that sits upon the roof. 

And regardless of the make of thy car, every seven years all who drive cars and who are to be held to be good in the eyes of the Members of the Association of Parents of Children Who Attendeth the School of Lantry shall set aside their cars for use by others who have only cars of common make and purchase new cars. 

For thus it is written in the Book of Hand of the Association of Parents of Children Who Attendeth the School of Lantry, which is also called the Handbook of the Lantry Parents Association.

On Food and Drink: 

The Members of the Community of the School of Lantry have looked upon food and drink and they have seen that it is good; for food and drink is crucial to the conduct of the Celebration of the Winter Art Auction Fundraiser. Hence thou who beareth responsibility for the provision of food and drink shall follow without deviation the guidelines set forth by the Committee of Setup and Cleanup. 

Upon the day chosen for the event, shall the members of the Committee of Setup and Cleanup converge upon the Hall of Celebration chosen by the Committee of Choosing Places for Celebration bearing the platters upon which the food for the feast is carried. 

Upon entering the Hall of Celebration, the members of the Committee of Setup and Cleanup shall proceed to the tables arranged along the West Wall of the Hall of Celebration, the West Wall being the chosen spot for the serving of the food. The food thus carried shall be placed in the proper order upon the command of the Chair of the Committee of Setup and Cleanup, who shall consult the Book of Hand of the Association of Parents of Children who Attendeth the School of Lantry, which is also called the Handbook of the Lantry Parents Association, Appendix Three. 

[Note: I should point out that there is some confusion about the numbering of appendices in the MSS. In most modern versions of the Handbook this information is found in Appendix Two; the Codex Sinaiticus has it as Appendix Four.]

The table upon which the food shall be placed shall be rectangular with a cover of cloth. The cloth shall be woven of natural fibers, in the color of white. The color of cream may be chosen, but only if all of the other cloths for the tables be of the same color. Red shall not be chosen; for red is garish. Green shall not be chosen; for green is garish. The platters upon which the food shall be placed shall be of the color of silver or shall be made of porcelain that is the color of white. Thou indeed mayest use off-white, as thou mayest use eggshell. Thou shalt not use gold; for gold is Unholy in the eyes of the Committee of Setup and Cleanup. 

If food placed upon a platter of gold is set upon the table, it shall be the responsibility of all members of the Committee of Setup and Cleanup to see that the food is removed from the table; for it is Unclean. If the food is a Cold Dish, it may be subsequently and without delay removed to a silver platter and placed once again upon the table, provided it is not placed next to a Hot Dish. If the food is a Hot Dish, it must be thrown away, or, once it has sat in the refrigerator for three days and three nights, it mayeth indeed be given to those losers at St. Albans Preparatory School; for Hot Dishes upon gold platters are not fit for consumption by the Members of the Community of Lantry Country Day.

Deserts shall be placed upon a separate table to the North of the table reserved for Hot and Cold dishes. And if a Member of the Committee for Setup and Cleanup who is serving for the first time on the Subcommittee for the Placing of Hot and Cold Dishes asks, “May I place this desert upon the table reserved for Hot and Cold Dishes? For there is no more room upon the table reserved for Desserts,” thou shalt turn to this person and say, “Surely thou art a Ninny, hast thou not read of the words in thy Handbook of the Lantry Parents Association, Appendix Three? Nay, the Desserts are not to be placed upon the table reserved for the Hot and Cold Dishes. Thou must obtain another table and cover it with a cloth made of natural fibers in the color of white, or the color of cream, provided it matches the other cloths, and place the extra dessert upon the new table, the new table being called the Table of Overflow.” 

Thou shalt then appealeth to the Chairperson of the Committee of Setup and Cleanup and speak unto the Chairperson of the Committee of Setup and Cleanup the name of the person who committed this indiscretion. And the Chairperson of the Committee of Setup and Cleanup shalt take the person who hath committed this offense against the Code of the Conduct of the Committee of Setup and Cleanup aside and ask that person to leave the Hall of Celebration. Once banished, the person banished may not return to the Committee for two years. 

But after two years mayeth that person indeed return; for the Committee for Cleanup and Setup is a forgiving Committee. Howsoever, when those two years have passed, that person must return driving a car of the make of Volvo; for Volvo is the Car of Penance, as it is the Car of Practicality. Its color shall be black, or dark silver. Once that person hath returned and the Chairperson of the Committee of Setup and Cleanup hath seen that his or her heart is good, he or she shall be placed upon the Subcommittee for Making Decaffeinated Coffee for another two years. After those two years mayeth he or she be allowed once again to serve upon the Subcommittee for the Placing of Hot and Cold Dishes Upon the Tables.

For thus it is written in the Book of Hand of the Association of Parents of Children Who Attendeth the School of Lantry, which is also called the Handbook of the Lantry Parents Association.

On Libations: 

Forgettest thou not the wine; for wine is good, wine being the substance that brings joy to the heart, openeth the wallet, and lifts the spirit of those who hath not yet seen that it is good to spend money on art that they could otherwise getteth for free from the Fruit they beareth who attendeth the School of Lantry. The selection of wine is not to be taken in jest; for it is a Holy Endeavor. The Chairperson of the Subcommittee for the Selection, Opening and Pouring of Wine shall be chosen from among those Members of the Community of The School of Lantry who hath been determined to knoweth of wine. Thou shalt take especial care that wine pours freely to all tables, for verily they who sitteth at all tables enjoyeth wine that is the color of red, and wine that is the color of white, and wine that containeth bubbles, and even wine that is the color of pink provided it is on the drier side. Those who have drunketh sufficient wine feeleth most fully the Spirit of Giving that is Holy unto the Committe for the Raising, Counting and Distribution of Funds.

For thus it is written in the Book of Hand of the Association of Parents of Children Who Attendeth the School of Lantry, which is also called the Handbook of the Lantry Parents Association.

On Conduct at the Auction: 

Bidest thou early and biddest thou often for it is Holy and Good and Righteous to be a Generous Giver. And if thy tablemate turneth to you and say, “That’s not a leopard, that’s a piece of black and yellow crap made out of construction paper!” holdeth thy tongue, for he knoweth not of what he speaks. Say instead unto him “It is perhaps thus, but it is Tax Deductible.” Channeleth thy rage and go on Monday to the Director of Rejection and Admission to the School of Lantry and speaketh unto the Director of Rejection and Admission to the School of Lantry the name of this blasphemer. Behold! Justice shall be done. For next year findeth he himself among those losers at St. Albans Preparatory School. 

For thus it is written in the Book of Hand of the Association of Parents of Children Who Attendeth the School of Lantry, which is also called The Handbook of the Lantry Parents Association.



Copyright 2013 Paul J. Rasmussen