We've Got Mail!

It's always fun to find out what's on the minds of the crackpots.


It's been an exciting few months here at AAD. Thanks to readers like you, AAD has been zipping around the internet like a copy of Self magazine through Cell Block D. Not only do we get lots of return visits, we are also attracting new readers daily. In the business this is know as "getting lots of return visits and attracting new readers [daily]." The staff here at AAD is truly grateful. 

But with success comes greater scrutiny. Indeed, not all readers have been wholly pleased by what they've seen on these pages. Here are some of the more interesting letters. It's always fun to see what's going on in the heads of the crackpots.   


Dear AAD,

I like your website, but the "AAD" acronym is lame. It sounds like something you'd call a kid who can't concentrate--or spell. -DT, St. Louis, MO 


     Dear DT, True, but it could be worse. I could have called myself Affirmative Action Room Parent, but then I'd be flooded with emails from old folks looking for discounts on auto insurance and cruises to Hawaii.  


Dear AAD, 

Why aren't you this funny in person? -Marshall C., from down the block.


     Dear Marshall, Why are you always stoned at 10am? You gotta be quick to keep up with me and I think a lot past gets you, Marsh.


Dear AAD, 

You're so funny in person, but this website reads like a [flipping] Dick and Jane book! Where's the off-color humor? The inappropriate outbursts? The saucy innuendo? -Willa, your local post office.


     Well, toots, the problem is the editorial board. It turns out that the internet is permanent. You never know what's going to come back to haunt you, or your wife, especially your wife. I do what I can but my hands are tied. See, it's not that there aren't any funny jokes about legless Hungarians, it's just that there aren't any tasteful jokes about legless Hungarians. Further, one of the first things they teach your kids at school is how to read. "Hey Dad, I liked what you said about teachers getting drunk at the school carnival. Do they really do that?" Whoops! Didn't see that one coming. Look, Willa, I'll try to make it up to you; next time I come in for stamps, ask me about the classics professor from Nantucket.


Dear AAD, 

Usually I like your posts--fair and balanced and all that. But your joke about Michelle Bachmann's tattoo was a cheap shot. What did Michelle Bachmann ever do to you? -Chuck D. (not telling you where I live because of the black helicopters)


     Fair enough, Chuck. I don't really have a political agenda, but sometimes you just have to go where the joke takes you. If it makes you feel better, I tried the joke with lots of different public figures: liberals, conservatives, mom bloggers, the guys on Deadliest Catch. I even tried it with the other Michelle, First Lady Michelle Obama, but that one was dead on arrival. You know she'd proofread. What's more, thanks to the Freedom of Information Act, we have confirmation that the Chinese characters on her ankle really say "serenity now" and not "#43 chicken with mix vegetable." 


Dear AAD, 

Your preoccupation with women's tattoos is disturbing and annoying. Enough with the tattoos already! Let the joke go. -Serina T.


     So sensitive! Did I hit too close to home? Could it be you're having regret about the tattoo you got in college--you know, the one that started as a dove but now, at 43, looks like a chicken? Fine, no more tattoo jokes.


Dear AAD, 

Your article on Spartan mothers was mildly amusing, but I have to point out one glaring error you made. It is a common error, to be sure, but an error nonetheless. You translated "molon labe," Leonidas' famous response to the Persians' demand that they lay down their weapons, as "come take them." Fie! Any undergraduate in Classics 101 knows that "molon" is an aorist active participle. The correct translation would therefore be, "having come, take." I shudder to think how many young minds are now running around believing this great phrase is as you have translated it. -Wm. Rainey Harper, Chicago, IL

Dear Wm.,


I checked all of the traditional sources (greekforshutins.org, dorkfest.com, etc.) and it seems you are right. I am duly chastened. But let me ask you a question: how's your Latin? Avinghay omecay, isskay ymay uttbay. It might be time for you to go outside for some fresh air, old boy. 

Thanks for all your comments and suggestions, constructive and otherwise! 

Copyright 2013 Paul J. Rasmussen