Time to Cut the Cord


Friends don't let friends drink and text mom.


The other day I was in the library checking to see if those bums in the acquisitions department made good on their promise to buy my book for the collection. [Insert shameless link here.] They had! Cool beans. Library editions pay double. 

Normally, with such a windfall I would have headed straight for Trader Joe's to stock up on those killer peanut butter pretzels and frozen tamales, but I forgot my reusable bags and I hate the way the checkers sneer at you through their nose rings when you ask for paper. 

But my frown soon turned upside down. As I was walking out I found a Blackberry someone had dropped on the floor. This meant there was a poor soul out there unable to access AAD on the go. Can't have that. So I took it to lost and found--but not before looking through it, of course. 

It obviously belonged to a college kid. I found this text thread between him and his mom. There's a lesson in it for everyone. 


College Student: hey mom u awake?

Mom: Yes honey, it's late everything ok?

sall good can u come drive me to chicken shak on 51st? im starvin

Why can't you drive yourself?

too drunk lol! big party 2nite

I'm glad you had fun! Thanks for texting. I'm proud of you for being safe and responsible! But I don't remember you telling me about a big party.

homecomping duh! 

Sorry I forgot, my bad, you must have told me 5 times last week.

more like 8 can u come or not?

Of course sweetie just you?

no me, t-man, bOomer an krissy

Krissy? OOLALA! Can dad come too?

shuttup mom! u bettrnot mbaras me im 20 now remembr! >:[ dad cn come but has to bring the church van an u have to sit in back cuz boomer gets carsck an hes been doin ornge jello shots

Eww! ha ha! We don't want that! We'll be there in 20 minutes, promise. I have to check Grandma's respirator first. 

make it 10 i told u im hungry! tell dad to bring money


Eww! Barf out loud! I be she downloads his plagiarized term papers from the internet for him too. 


It has come to my attention that some of you get irritated when it's not clear whether I'm telling a true story or making something up. I suppose this is a fair complaint--it does seem the fate of Western civilization hangs in the balance. 

Here's a good rule of thumb: everything is true, or mostly true, except for the stuff that's so absurd it can only be the product of a comic genius's fancy--but even most of that is closer to the truth than you might think (or wish). 

This week? As most of you have probably guessed, this story, while certainly plausible, is a bit over the top. That's right, I didn't find my book on the shelf. Those guys in acquisitions are still bums. 

Copyright 2013 Paul J. Rasmussen