Auction Madness


Some items that did not make it into the "official" auction handbook


Dear Parents, 

As you know, Lantry Country Day's Annual Fundraising Auction is just a week away and I want to pass on some last-minute information from the auction committee. First of all, the committee would like to extend their deepest gratitude to the parents, faculty and staff of Lantry for all of their generosity and hard work in procuring such a rich and tempting selection of auction items. By now you should have your official auction catalogue, but the procurement committee has a few last-minute additions that didn't make it in by press time. These are too good to miss!


1971 Plymouth Barracuda

Since he won't be driving for quite some time, Lantry dad Junior "3rd Strike" Burns is donating his lovingly restored 1971 Plymouth Barracuda. Wow! This is the same car that totally smoked Lantry Headmaster Mike Trunchbull's '08 M5 during their famous Fall Carnival drag race. Junior's '71 'Cuda E-body is the last of the good ones: it has a non-emission-restricted 426 Hemi engine (that's Chrysler's whompin' big "hemispherical combustion chamber" V-8, for all you Prius drivers), a Spicer-built Dana 60 rear axle, and 4-speed manual transmission. This street-legal monster delivers 425 horsepower and 0-60 times in the 6 second range. And it's loud. Real loud. Bring your "A" game to every red light in town! It's got low miles, new tires and is, somewhat surprisingly, lien free. Junior's even throwing in a couple of booster seats. What a guy. You couldn't touch this on Craig's List for under $50,000. 


Get Out of Hell Free Card

It's well known that Lantry and St. Alban's Prep have had a long-standing rivalry. Well, all that's about to change. Rev. William Smith, Pastor of St. Alban's Catholic Church, with the blessing of Archbishop Simon Paulson, has magnanimously donated one genuine Get-Out-of-Hell-Free Card to Lantry's auction! Been so bad that the thought of confession makes you weep with terror? Not Catholic? Militant liberal atheist? Haven't yet decided which deadly sin fits you best? No worries. The beauty of this durably-laminated card (which comes in a beautifully carved wooden keepsake box) is that it has no expiration date and the bar code on the back guarantees St. Peter won't ask you a single question. It's even transferrable. It's like getting under the velvet rope at LA's Sky Bar ahead of Paris Hilton, and not having to practice her self-restraint once you're inside! St. Albans, you rock. Don't be surprised if the morning after our auction you find that statue of the Virgin Mary you've been missing for nine months on your doorstep. Bidding will start at $750, but is expected to go much higher. Too bad Junior's going to miss this one.


General Dynamics

No, you read it correctly. Now that Lantry parent Lawrence Wilson is finally being forced out by GD's board on the tail of his most recent government contract/DC nightclub scandal, he's putting his share of General Dynamics stock up for bid at the Spring Auction. Famous for it's cutting edge air, land and sea defense technology and cosy relationship with Washington, General Dynamics is a world leader in the defense contracting industry. With your 51% controlling interest in the company, the possibilities are endless. Want your congressman to return your calls? Vexed by the mere existence of Albania? Want to start a war? Maybe you just want your neighbor to keep his dog out of your roses. It's all yours with the right bid. Heck, you could even get them to build you a real, working Batmobile! Bidding starts at $350,000.


A Reputation

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This one is for the ladies. Tired of always being the good girl? Always got high grades and worked hard to please your parents and teachers? Always sat out at school dances? Stayed away from parties in college? Well, Shirley Temple, it's time to take a walk on the wild side! Now you too can be one of "those girls." This is the opportunity of a lifetime. The highest bidder will get a comprehensive package guaranteed to give you one humdinger of a "fast" reputation. You'll get all the stares, behind-the-back whispers and inappropriate male attention you always dreamed of. We're all set up to photoshop you into old frat-party photos, produce "secret" video tapes and publish incriminating hotel receipts, police records and personal diary entries. We can't promise you a book deal, but we're pretty sure you'll get to meet Bill Clinton. The procurement committee would like to extend special thanks to Lantry's "Three Vixens,"  Penelope Sutherland, Tanya Bilkums and Lucy Quick, for giving us such open access to their skeletons-in-the-closet collections. Lord knows these gals have lots to spare. (Easy on the cosmos this year, Penelope.)



Master of the Universe (for a day or two)

This may be the best yet. Up for auction are two seats on next year's Committee of Rejection and Admission to the School of Lantry. Think of the power you will hold! Ladies, remember what Shari Bartholomew said to you at last year's Symphony Fundraiser Gala? Fellas, remember what Shari Bartholomew wore at last year's Symphony Fundraiser Gala? Well, her kids are now school age. 'Nuff said. We can't let this one go for less than $15,000. Generously donated by the real Master of the Universe, Lantry's head of admissions, Ginger Killiam. 

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So, fellow Lantriaetes, liquidate your assets, warm up your livers, and good luck next Friday night! This promises to be Lantry's best auction year yet. Personally, I can't stop thinking what it might be like to cruise Central Ave. with a Hemi under the hood and Shari Bartholomew on my right...and claim it as a tax deduction. I look forward to seeing everyone there.

Paul Rasmussen (room parent, Ms. M's second grade)

Copyright 2013 Paul J. Rasmussen